Harvard University

Early football game between Columbia and Harvard. Characteristically, Harvard is winning.

Harvard University (also known as The Kremlin on the Charles) is a mediocre university in a dull Boston suburb that was preemptively set up to accommodate students who don't get into Columbia.

Some Columbia alumni who attend Harvard graduate schools occasionally neglect to mention their undergraduate alma mater.

Know Thy Safety

Like Columbia, Harvard is actually a vast domain divided into an infinitude of fiefdoms. Columbia-trained anthropologists have investigated the following Harvard tribes:

Harvard College

Lamont, Harvard's actual undergraduate library (what?): architecture to inspire the towering intellectual achievement of an average suburb near you

A repository for those unfortunate enough not to have been given the thumbs-up by Columbia College's enlightened admissions office. Sex-starved and fun-deprived, Harvard undergraduates are often desperate for recognition, leading to reprehensible acts of intellectual property theft perpetrated against creative Columbia students and alumni.

Given this state, it is not uncommon for recent Harvard graduates to infest New York shortly after receiving their low-grade English language diplomas. Harvard graduates then typically engage in insignificant careers as late night talk show writers, when not bloating the waitlists of Columbia grad schools.

Radcliffe College

Radcliffe was once Harvard's Barnard. It was forced to completely dissolve in the 1990s, when Harvard decided it hated the idea of women doing anything independently.

Swelling with pride, newly-minted Harvard graduates hoist the university colors during their commencement ceremony

Harvard Business School

A factory for the production of slick tools and powerful consulting outfits, Harvard Business School has its own, predictably country-club-like campus across the Charles River from the rest of Harvard, because apparently even Alan Dershowitz was too left-wing for them to be around.

Kennedy School of Government

Named for one of Harvard's most famous (and most accidental) alumni (who only transferred from Princeton when a health scare forced him to stay closer to home), the K-School primarily educates hippie freak activists and foreign trust-fund babies (in addition to Bill O'Reilly) in the art of becoming languishing members of the current opposition party - a state most K-School faculty are all too familiar with.

A Harvard Law student recovers after class

Harvard Law School

From the scandal-scalded to the gaffe-gifted, there is no powerful person screwing up the world that Harvard Law School has not educated. Known for its punishing, psychologically-ruinous regime of torturous Foucauldian discipline, it is undoubtedly Harvard's most sinister organ.

Harvard Medical School

Where the victims of Harvard Law School receive treatment. It is actually located in Boston, miles away from the main Harvard campus, in order not to be contaminated by the rest of the university.

Harvard Divinity School

Basically a monastery. Columbia does not have one for good reason.

Harvard/Yale rivalry

If you're starting to think that we rag on Harvard because we have an inferiority complex or some other issue, I would like to respectfully disagree and politely direct you to Yale. Like many lesser institutions of learning, Harvard maintains a petty rivalry with Yale, as evidenced in the following video:

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2009 Budget Crisis

A typical Harvard student protests cuts to dining services in the wake of financial crisis

In late 2006, Harvard was sitting on a chart-topping endowment of $35 billion. That year, Harvard's administration, mad with wealth, announced sweeping changes to its financial aid program. They offered free tuition to undergrads whose family income fall in the sub-$60k range. Students in the under $120k bracket would be asked to contribute no more than %10 of family income. Several other institutions of higher learning (whose names are not Columbia) soon followed Harvard's lead. Feeling the pressure, President Bollinger emphasized in an address his steadfast commitment to making Columbia affordable to all.

By mid 2009, however, Harvard's spendthrift ways had depleted its cash pile by some $8 billion, or about 22 percent. (To put this in perspective, Columbia's entire endowment was about $7.1 billion as of FY2008.) The financial implications of this disaster led one Harvard account manager to comment, "They are completely fucked."

Athletics

Although Harvard's athletics program is arguably worse than Columbia's, they do have a wicked quidditch team.

External links

• Harvard University