Investment banking

An investment bank is an institution that underwrites, securitizes, and markets fungible assets on behalf of corporations interested in capital raising, and institutional investors interested in maintaining their portfolios.

Due to the fact that they are lucrative career opportunities (entry-level salaries with bonuses approaching, if not exceeding, $100,000 are not unusual), they have become the high-profile career opportunities of choice on Columbia's campus. Prospective investment bankers can be picked out by their just-purchased suits, tightly gripped leather portfolios, and gel-caked hair. Frequently seen wandering back and forth between their dormitories and the Center for Career Education in East Campus every October and February.

Differences

Signs of a prospective investment banker

• Enthusiastic
• Wants nothing more than to leverage and de-leverage beta models all day
• Pretends to know what a beta model is
• Somewhat in shape
• Owns 1 somewhat ill-fitting suit
• Goes and parties on a regular basis
• Steady girlfriend
• Friends

Signs of an actual investment banker

• Bitter
• Doesn't give a flying *&(@# what a beta model is
• Morbidly obese from eating unhealthy food on the company tab at 1 AM
• More suits than Jacoby & Meyers
• Pretends to helicopter to the Hamptons every weekend
• $500 and Svetlana at Scores every Thursday night
• Alcohol