Difference between revisions of "Investment banking"
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:* Steady girlfriend | :* Steady girlfriend | ||
:* Friends | :* Friends | ||
| + | :* Doesn't sleep because of schoolwork | ||
:* Dreams of an intense career of high-powered deal-making to be followed by a happy, comfortable retirement in the suburbs with a loving family at age 45 | :* Dreams of an intense career of high-powered deal-making to be followed by a happy, comfortable retirement in the suburbs with a loving family at age 45 | ||
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:* $500 and Svetlana at Scores every Thursday night | :* $500 and Svetlana at Scores every Thursday night | ||
:* Alcohol | :* Alcohol | ||
| + | :* Doesn't sleep because he forgot how | ||
:* Dreams of killing self. | :* Dreams of killing self. | ||
Revision as of 13:24, 20 March 2007
An investment bank is an institution that underwrites, securitizes, and markets fungible assets on behalf of corporations interested in capital raising, and institutional investors interested in maintaining their portfolios.
Due to the fact that they are lucrative career opportunities (entry-level salaries with bonuses approaching, if not exceeding, $100,000 are not unusual), they have become the high-profile career opportunities of choice on Columbia's campus. Prospective investment bankers can be picked out by their just-purchased suits, tightly gripped leather portfolios, and gel-caked hair. Frequently seen wandering back and forth between their dormitories and the Center for Career Education in East Campus every October and February.
Differences
Signs of a prospective investment banker
- Enthusiastic
- Reads Wall Street Journal and memorizes the Dow every morning
- Is excited at the prospect of being issued a company BlackBerry
- M.D. = A medical professional who gives you a yearly checkup
- Wants nothing more than to leverage and de-leverage beta models all day
- Pretends to know what a beta model is
- Somewhat in shape
- Owns 1 somewhat ill-fitting suit
- Goes and parties on a regular basis
- Steady girlfriend
- Friends
- Doesn't sleep because of schoolwork
- Dreams of an intense career of high-powered deal-making to be followed by a happy, comfortable retirement in the suburbs with a loving family at age 45
Signs of an actual investment banker
- Bitter
- Knows the Dow means jack shit
- Doesn't give a flying *&(@# what a beta model is
- Wants to feed company BlackBerry to wolves
- M.D. = Someone who, despite not being a medical professional, still insists on giving you a colonoscopy every day
- Morbidly obese from eating unhealthy food on the company tab at 1 AM
- More suits than Jacoby & Meyers
- Pretends to helicopter to the Hamptons every weekend
- $500 and Svetlana at Scores every Thursday night
- Alcohol
- Doesn't sleep because he forgot how
- Dreams of killing self.
