Investment banking
Investment banking is a common career path for Columbia students.
An investment bank is an institution that underwrites, securitizes, and markets fungible assets on behalf of corporations interested in capital raising, and institutional investors interested in maintaining their portfolios.
Due to the fact that they are lucrative career opportunities (entry-level salaries with bonuses approaching, if not exceeding, $100,000 are not unusual), they have become the high-profile career opportunities of choice on Columbia's campus. Prospective investment bankers can be picked out by their just-purchased suits, tightly gripped leather portfolios, and gel-caked hair. Frequently seen wandering back and forth between their dormitories and the Center for Career Education in East Campus every October and February.
Summary of Differences
| Signs of a prospective investment banker | Signs of an actual investment banker |
|---|---|
| Enthusiastic | Bitter |
| Reads Wall Street Journal and memorizes the Dow every morning | Knows the Dow means jack shit |
| Is excited at the prospect of being issued a company BlackBerry | Wants to feed company BlackBerry to wolves |
| Wants nothing more than to leverage and de-leverage beta models all day | Wants nothing more than to leverage and de-leverage ways to get the hell out of the industry all day |
| Pretends to know what a beta model is | Doesn't give a flying *&(@# what a beta model is |
| M.D. = A medical professional who gives you a yearly colonoscopy. | M.D. = Someone who, despite not being a medical professional, still insists on ramming his finger up your ass every day. |
| Somewhat in shape | Morbidly obese from eating unhealthy food on the company tab at 1 AM |
| Owns 1 somewhat ill-fitting suit | More suits than Jacoby & Meyers |
| Goes and parties on a regular basis | Pretends to helicopter to the Hamptons every weekend |
| Steady girlfriend | $500 and Svetlana at Scores every Thursday night |
| Friends | Alcohol |
| Doesn't sleep because of schoolwork | Doesn't sleep because he forgot how |
| Dreams of an intense career of high-powered deal-making to be followed by a happy, comfortable retirement in the suburbs with a loving family at age 45 | Dreams of killing self. |
Prominent Investment Banks
(Listed in alphabetical order)
